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Support for Military Wives

Use the following links to find helpful content for military wives. Then check out some classic Sarah Smiley columns below offering advice to new (and old) military wives.

Sarah Smiley's Advice for Military Wives

Spouse Club Q&A with Sarah Smiley

Often I receive emails from military wives asking for my advice. It amuses my husband, Dustin, that I—the woman who once stood in the post office and distractedly instructed her son, “stamps always go on the upper left side of the envelope, Honey,” and then watched none the wiser as he licked and pressed postage on the wrong corner of fifty greeting cards—have become a source of education for hundreds of other women.

Nevertheless, for the record, I can not respond to personal queries via email, so I’ve taken some of the most frequently asked questions and answered them here. Take my advice for what it’s worth…about as much as a soggy, used postage stamp.

Question: I just moved to a new duty station and no one from the spouse club has contacted me. I’m beginning to feel left out. Should I take it personally?

Answer: Most likely your existence is caught up in military-spouse bureaucracy. There is a system for getting your contact information to the correct person, and it goes something like this – Your spouse checks into their command. The command asks, “Are you married?” The command alerts the spouse club. The spouse club tags the Hospitality Chair. The Hospitality Chair places a friendly telephone call to welcome you to the group.

Theoretically this system is fool proof. Then again, theoretically men should always come home on time and not say things like, “My socks with the holes in them are my favorite.” So, on second thought, your predicament is probably due to the fact that your spouse forgot your new address and phone number when he was checking in. Or, when the CO asked, “Are you married?” your spouse said, “No,” If the latter is true, you have my blessing to throw out his socks with the holes.

Question: What should I wear to my first spouse club meeting?

Answer: Forget what you’ve heard about gloves and not wearing white after Labor Day, There’s just one rule of thumb when choosing what to wear for a spouse club event: Don’t be the only spouse in costume. So long as you know that a “Southern Living party” isn’t a chance to drag out your Scarlett O’Hara hoopskirt, be yourself and wear whatever you like.

Question: Should I call the commanding officer’s (CO’s) wife “Mrs.”?

Answer: Yes and no. Common niceties such as “please” “thank you” and “ma’am” aside, military spouses don’t have a rank and don’t require formal titles. The CO’s wife isn’t your boss. If she acts like she is, you have the option to talk behind her back or find another support group. I suggest the latter.

Question: Once a month I leave my husband with the kids to go to the local spouse club meeting. Only, these “meetings” seem more like parties, and I sort of look forward to them. Shouldn’t I feel guilty for sticking my husband with kid duty while I’m having so much fun?

Answer: No. If ever you are tempted to feel guilty, repeat the following – “I bathed and diapered the children for six months while he was at sea. I can’t keep a career because we move every three years. I pull apart my husband’s nasty, used handkerchiefs each time I put them in the washing machine. My husband is lucky I’m coming home at all.”

Question: I think there are a few women in my spouse club who don’t like me. Shouldn’t we all love and support each other?

Answer: Take note of others in the animal kingdom at your local zoo. Some species of females can’t even be kept in the same enclosure or else they will maul each other. Female lemurs, in particular, are known for being extremely hostile toward unfamiliar “girlfriends.” Whoever decided human females could break the phenomenon of female-female aggression in the animal world must have been a man.

Question: After all of this, do you still think people should join the spouse club? Is it really worth it?

Answer: Absolutely! Trust me, I wouldn’t lead you astray on this. Just don’t ask me to stamp your envelopes.

More Things Every Military Wife Should Know

Question:

"I am newly married and my husband’s squadron recently had a change of command. I really liked the old commanding officer’s (CO’s) wife, so I looked for her at a squadron party the weekend after the ceremony. She and her husband weren’t there. My husband acted like I was crazy for expecting the 'old' CO and his wife to be at the party. But shouldn't they have been there?"

Answer:

In a word, no. In another word, no.

I’m glad you asked this question.

Last week, my friend, whose husband happens to be the captain of our local Navy hospital, called and told me that her husband is up for new orders this summer and that they will be moving. She might as well have been my own mother calling to tell me that my parents are getting a divorce. Because even though my mom has never done that, my friend’s announcement sent twinges of sadness and fear right down to my pinkie toes, in the same way that I imagine it would if my parents were splitsville. I felt like Bill Murray in “What About Bob?” I wanted to say, “You mean you’re leaving? But what about us? What about the hospital?” I was suddenly stricken with the anxiety that comes with change.

You see, a lot is said about the constant transitions military families face when they move to new duty stations every few years. However, there is an untold amount anxiety and upheaval even when a family stays put but the leadership in their command changes. Within any military group, the command essentially becomes the parent. They set the rules and the tone. And even though a dependent spouse doesn’t go to work and deal with the commanding officer directly, those “rules” and that “tone” trickles down to the family nevertheless. If, for instance, the CO is a bachelor and not interested in family life, a spouse will feel that when her husband goes, for the second time in two weeks, to a squadron social function that it's designed to be held without spouses. In my mom's day as a Navy wife, this meant my dad spent a lot of after-hours with the guys at the O'Club. In my day, it was one of my husband’s first CO's many years ago who could never remember my name or the fact that Dustin was married at all.

It sounds to me as if your friend's husband ran a command that is, thankfully, much more common, one that inspires positive feelings for all involved. It's natural that you miss the CO's wife. But it would be very unnatural for her to be at the after-the-change-of-command party, and here's why:

There are three basic scenarios when a squadron or unit changes command. The first scenario assumes that the outgoing CO was loved by all. His or her transition feels like a parent's divorce. The group braces themselves to see if the new person in command will be a "step-parent" with horns or a halo. Secretly, the group can't imagine anyone taking the place of the other beloved parent. If reality lives up to this perception, then the old CO is forever elevated to god-like status as everyone remembers the way things "used to be."

The second scenario assumes that the outgoing CO was not liked. Then, just as a child happily sheds the memory of a despised teacher for a new school year, the group doesn't care what the new person will be like. They just want change.

The third and last scenario, however, is the most prickly of them all. What if the outgoing CO was loved and the new "step-parent" ends up being equally as good? What if he or she has no horns? Then, as you are experiencing, the group may feel like they have betrayed the old CO by liking the new one. They will miss the old command's presence at social events, then feel like a traitor if they enjoy the new people just as much.

But just remember that a good, loving parent always wants you to be happy. Even if it is with someone else. Yet a good, loving parent is never invited to the new couple's wedding party. Trust me when I say that eventually there will be room in your heart for both parents.

Wait, we're still talking about military commands....

Just go and have fun. And if you remember nothing else, remember that in the military, whether you loved or hated anyone in your husband's command, you will likely see them again. So be nice. Hell hath no fury like an angry parent.

Military Party Etiquette

Dear Sarah, I’m nervous about the upcoming holiday party for my husband’s unit. Is there anything I should know about etiquette before I go?

Presumably you have read Service Etiquette, because we, ahem, all have. If this is the case, disregard most of what you read. Nothing against Service Etiquette except that much like raising children, it is easier to read about it than to actually do it.

If this is your first military social event, you may have visions of women in white gloves passing out their calling cards to all the young wives. But really, have you seen any such women at the commissary? At the exchange/PX? These women only exist in fantasies (or nightmares) about military life. (Which isn’t to say some scary things aren’t going to happen at the party, but we’ll get to that in a minute.) The men and women you’ll meet at the holiday party will be the same men and women you’ve met at your husband’s place, seen at the mall, or seen bowling with their children at the base alley. Don’t assume that just because it’s an official event (aka “forced fun,” or “a highly encouraged social outing”) that your husband’s co-workers and their spouses will suddenly morph into Service Etiquette-beaters. The truth is that only some of them will. These are the people you will avoid.

The only real concern you should have at the holiday party is what to say, when, and to whom. For instance, the flight surgeon, or any other person associated with your spouse’s health care, for that matter, should not hear about those black spots your husband sees every time he looks up at the sky. Pilots especially are funny about their health. (And by “funny” I mean that they would rather you tell the flight surgeon about the stuffed bear named “Pooh” their mother still keeps on their bed at home than the twitch they sometimes get in their left eyelid.) As far as his co-workers at the party are concerned, your husband is the picture of health. He doesn’t even snore, and he certainly doesn’t sleepwalk. (Feel free to laugh about these things with the other wives in the bathroom, however.)

Another situation that may come up involves gifts and/or door prizes. The more rank your husband attains, the more he’ll insist that you not accept any door prizes. “Just tell them to call another ticket,” he’ll say. However, let me advise from personal experience that he does not mean for you to refuse any door prizes that are free tickets to a major football game. You are to refuse everything except those items that he personally covets.

You may also be concerned about what to call your spouse’s superiors. Do you call them Sir? Commander so-and-so? Will you look like a suck-up if you do? Will you look like a slacker if you don’t? A general rule of thumb is to call them whatever you feel most comfortable calling them. Unless, of course, your husband will pay for said name at work on Monday. For instance, some communities call the commanding officer’s wife a COW (Get it? Commanding Officer’s Wife?), but I wouldn’t use this term of endearment until it is abundantly clear that the commanding officer’s wife and her husband know about the tradition.

Alcohol could be an issue, too. Your goal is to not be the drunkest spouse at the party. People will always talk about the drunkest spouse. Don’t let this be you. Also use caution if there will be music and dancing at the party: You never want to be the first or last spouse on the dance floor. If you heed my warning about alcohol, this shouldn’t be a problem. If you feel compelled to dance, just make sure you aren’t the only one doing the Funky Chicken, the Macarena, or any other type of line dance.

Basically, when I think about how to advise you, I am reminded of my 11-month-old son. Lindell knows how to clap, and sometimes he can wave bye-bye and point. But when all else fails, he simply claps and smiles. That is his default trick. Always have a safe, default behavior, and let it not involve abundant alcohol, any “funky” dance, or stories about your husband’s hemorrhoids.

Odd Military-Husband Behavior Explained

Q: When my husband says we will be leaving for our summer vacation at "zero-six-hundred hours," what does that mean exactly?

A: It means you will pile into the minivan at an ungodly hour, and that your husband needs to chill.

This scenario is so typical of military men, who in their professional lives operate within the confines of rigid procedures and schedules. When they get home, they like to think their families also tense at the sound of a whistle and meet the day with gusto. Yet it is one of life's cruel ironies that military men often (not always, but often) coexist with their opposite: a woman who doesn't wear a watch and likes to sleep in; children who take an hour to get on their shoes, use the bathroom one last time, find a toy to take along, use the bathroom again, find the toy they set down, get one last sip of juice, use the bathroom one more time and get out the door.

Ah, but military men are also great planners and strategists, so my guess is that your husband really wants to leave at 7:00 a.m. (aka: "zero-seven-hundred"), but he knows this is unrealistic. He has told you 6:00 a.m. in the hopes that the family will actually be in the car one hour later. All of which means you won't get the “you-guys-are-so-undisciplined” stare until about 7:05, so take your time.

Q: Why can my husband fly million-dollar aircraft but for the past nine months, he hasn't figured out how to fix the broken sprinkler in our front yard?

A: First, I'm impressed that you realize your husband's procrastination with the sprinkler has more to do with his inability to fix it than any restraints on his time. A less experienced military wife might be fooled into believing that her husband has been "too busy" to think about the sprinkler. But we know (because we are the ones who do all the home repairs most of the time anyway) that a broken sprinkler requires very little time or skill.

However, as you mentioned, your husband is a highly trained military officer. (Which is to say, if the military didn't teach it, he probably doesn't know it.) You are witnessing a very common phenomenon: Smart people don't have room left in their brains for mundane tasks such as remembering to turn off the stove, storing new contacts into their cell phone, and reprogramming TiVo. Basically, your husband has used up all his smarts on the military. So get out there, fix that sprinkler, and be done with it!

Q: When I met my soldier husband, I fell in love with the idea that he would be my protector. Then he deployed and I had to toughen up. I hate to say it, but sometimes he seems a little wimpy to me now. Is this normal?

A: Military marriages are delicate balancing acts. When your husband is deployed, you are on your own and rise to the occasion. Then he comes back and naturally wants your relationship to return to its previous state (that, of course, being with you as the "wife" and him as the "soldier husband" while "Up Where We Belong" playing softly, yet continuously, in the background). As you gain independence, it is a bit disconcerting to view your husband in a different light. Trust me when I say you will not only get used to it, eventually you will enjoy telling everyone that your husband moaned like a baby when he had Pink Eye after you've delivered three of his children. Not that I know a couple that this has happened to, but you get the idea.

Q: Who are Romeo, Charlie and Sierra, and why does my husband keep talking about them?

A: Being the efficient system it is, the military uses the phonetic alphabet to eliminate any confusion (between Bs, Ds, Ts and Vs, and so forth) when calling out letters. For instance, my initials are SRS. To my military husband this is "Sierra Romeo Sierra." You can learn the phonetic alphabet if you wish, but I prefer instead to irritate my husband by coming up with my own. Instead of spelling out my husband's name Delta-Uniform-Sierra-Tango-India-November (the correct way), I might use Donkey-Umbrella-Salad-Tutu-Igloo-Norway. This is only slightly less efficient but much more Fabio-Underpants-Naked.